the infinity poem

writing and video by Adrian Sandersfeld

∞

did you know that
cars have faces
like humans do
with headlight eyes
two side-mirror ears
on either side
a grille mouth between
them windshield wiper
eyebrows that look
panicked in the rain

from where i sit
in the passenger’s seat
i think the cars that pass us
are smiling at our car like
happy strangers on the street and
i see them from the passenger’s seat only
from the passenger’s seat because

i can’t drive because
i never learned how because
driver’s ed was expensive and
no one could take me home
afterwards when it was over because
it would be too inconvenient like
how inconvenient it is now when
i want to go someplace where the buses don’t stop
because all i yearn for is my independence because
my existence is otherwise inconvenient because

my brain works differently
like a quantum computer
it processes everything
simultaneously until
it is given too many tasks and
overheats often so it must be cooled
periodically to avoid a meltdown
unlike a conventional computer which
performs tasks
one at a time but still
functions cooperatively when
it runs many programs at once because
my brain works differently
and is specialized to calculate
things in one particular way just
like a quantum computer because
it is not efficient for everyday tasks because
it solves very specific problems
and is not useful
like the conventional computer
who is good for more than one task
and was made to be used by
everyday people and not just
a select group of stem field
scholars who know how to
use me correctly but

this comparison is only
theoretical like quantum
computers are a theory and
even quantum computers
would not be able
to comprehend the reasons
for their existence
because they would not
theoretically
be able to decide whether
or not they were a 1 or a 0
but some intangible digit
that represents everything
and nothing at the same time
just like i am not
a woman or a man but
i am everything
and nothing at the same time
and yearn for the love of others
like myself who are everything
and nothing at the same time just
like angels or seraphim
who are not human but
divinity incarnate
unrestrained by binaries
because they are simultaneously
imperceptible and hyper-
visible to the human eye
just like the visible light
spectrum or wavelengths of
light that make colors visible
just like the stripes of the rainbow
flag in my window casting
the walls of my bedroom in
pink red orange yellow
green turquoise indigo violet and
ultraviolet like the sun
that makes color possible
because of the visible light
spectrum like the way
my brain works differently
like how doctors describe me as low-
functioning because
i can’t drive and

did you know that
particle accelerators can
look like a figure 8 or
an ampersand or like
a halo on the ground
when you look at them
from above
and this is where protons are
sent barreling toward each other
down atomic racetracks
that are so big for
something so small like
a fundamental constituent of
matter but perhaps this is because
protons compose atoms which
compose the known universe and
no matter how small they measure
in size they are as grand as angels
sent to collide with each other
their bodies clashing like
touch-starved lovers
yearning
so deeply for one another that
they send each other flying as
they run into their partner’s
eager and welcoming arms
spiraling in opposite directions
and captured in a laboratory
setting on cameras
located in the heart of
the collision’s epicenter
snapping pictures of the protons’
paths that look like
cars spinning out on the interstate or
doing donuts in empty parking lots and
leaving tire track spirals on the pavement or
like a body catapulted from the event of
a collision flying through the air just
like mine did when i was hit
by a truck riding my bike
without a helmet but i
survived by some miracle except
scientific papers describe the collision
more like a bowling ball
hitting a bunch of pins because
the energy of the ball gets
distributed to the pins
which move at lower
energies and can hit
other things that will
move at even lower
energies and so on until
they are no longer in motion
or that a proton
collision could be theoretically
visible to the naked eye like
phenomena such as
light flashes seen by
astronauts in the vacuum of space
who may be witnessing the result
of actual photons of visible
light being sensed by the retina
but this could also pertain
to phosphenes which are
sensations of light produced by
the activation of neurons
along the visual pathway
in the eye and

did you know that
my mannerisms annoy
everyone including my
parents who have
called me a know-it-all
since i was very young and
i hate being called a
know-it-all
because it makes me feel
guilty for knowing
so many things and
i have an empathy disorder but
i have learned that empathy is
not the same thing as
compassion
which is what i say to
people who tell me that
i am not a good person because
i do not experience
empathy like they do
and i know that
i am worthy of love but
i think simultaneously
that i am not because 
my mannerisms annoy
everyone including the
people i think i might be
in love with and

did you know that
the center of the universe is
an ice cream stand
nestled between the auto
body repair shops down the road
from the car dealerships on highway
one where drivers take their
cars with fucked up faces
their grilles mangled like
they were kissed too hard
dragged in by tow trucks
for maintenance after
collisions
just like our mouths when
they careen into each other
our lips crashing headfirst
taste like soft serve sundae
cones and rods that allow
my eyes to see the face of
an angel that i met
in the spring of last year
who could drive a car like
a drag racer doing donuts
in the k-mart parking lot after
dark and took us to
colonial lanes for our
first date where we sent
bowling balls down polished
wood alleys into wooden
bowling pins and started
laughing so hard that
i thought i would never be able to stop
my diaphragm from flexing
because my mind never sleeps when
they are with me but is always
at ease because whenever i hear thunder
i think about angels bowling and
laughing about how beautiful it is
to see rainbows after thunderstorms and
how rainbows look like halos
from above
and

did you know that
pride is one of the seven deadly
sins but i am brimming with
pride because i have a mind that
operates on a different
wavelength like
all the wavelengths of light in the visible
spectrum like
the rainbow stripes on the
pride flag hanging in my bedroom
window through which light
passes and illuminates
the face of the other angel in my bed
who pretends to sleep when
they know i am watching like
a quantum particle that changes form
from particle to a wave as if
they are aware of the fact
that they are being observed
because we are so used to un-
consciously adopting
cisheteronormative
versions of ourselves
assigned to us by onlookers to
remain hidden in plain sight as
sinners guilty of
pride
when we hold each other’s
hands under the table at
the coffee shop where
i bounce my leg up and down but
neither of us wants me to stop
because i am proud of
my neurodivergence
too and the symbol for autistic
pride
is a lemniscate which represents
the mathematical concept of
infinity
colored like a rainbow
spectrum as if the
halo of colored light hovering
in the sky after a thunderstorm
were twisted and bent in half
both directions at the same time to
produce an almost perfect pair of
circles bonded at one
point and

did you know that
there is a shape
called a torus that is also
called a donut that also looks like
a donut but also like
a halo
and if you drew a line on a torus
from above
at any point on the edge
of the hole in the middle and
sliced a line through the torus
along that point you would
see the lemniscate hidden inside
the torus that is essential for the
formation of a torus’ shape and
there are several different kinds of tori
like three tori linked together
that look like a fidget spinner
like those things that kids get
in trouble for playing with
in school and people made such
a big deal out of it because they are
primarily a tool for neurodivergent
people to use when they need to
stim or fidget and they are
considered annoying because
it is annoying when autistic people
occupy any visible space at all so
i am invisible to the naked eye
until i suddenly become hyper-
visible because i have done something
annoying but

did you know that
the angel that i met
in the spring of last year
does not think that i am
annoying or a bad person
and that they are simultaneously
just like me in every way and
unlike me in other ways because
we are both quantum computers
and angels and in-
visible and hyper-
visible at the same time
together because our bodies
occupy the same space in time
right next to each other as
separate entities but connected
at one point like the
center of a lemniscate where
the halo was twisted in half
and two points became one
in a never-ending loop
perpetually interlinked
like the atomic racetrack with
no start or finish line and
when we kiss
we don’t stop because a
lemniscate has no middle so
there is no end like
when we’re driving in their car
going home in the rain and
passing the other cars with faces as
we hold hands over the stickshift
rambling about the things
people tell us to shut up about and
i never want it to end because
this is love and
i am worthy of love, 

did you know that? 

the infinity poem

adrian sandersfeld